Comment: wanna know how i got these scars? wait, wrong movie. let me try that again.

Comment: heavenly father, i know you said not to dig up dead people, but i think i left my bible in there. amen.

Comment: hit me again, i swear to god. you'll hit #1 on the buzzfeed top 10 witches that got owned slideshow.

Comment: okay, so maybe i should have specified i wanted to do the horizontal waltz as opposed to the vertical one.

Comment: police later discovered a battered walkman at the base of the falls, with a still-intact night ranger cassette inside.

Comment: if you had a valid argument, i might actually have to debate you on that, but for now i think i can just call bullshit.

Comment: just because i believe in something a thousand percent doesn't actually make it true.

Comment: the bellwether for bad parenting is the stripper, but i'd argue that witch hunting is up there, too.

Comment: you're not going to die, and you're not going to get paid, but think of how this is going to look on your résumé!

Comment: like, okay, sometimes i get drunk enough to order stamps on the internet at night.

Comment: me? i'm okay, i've just been dealing with some extremely minor personal demons.

Comment: file > save as > slaying-like-a-motherfucker.ppt

Comment: really hit me this time. hit me like your son just told you he's joining the peace corps.

Comment: look, if ghostface killah wrote one verse and then quit, nobody'd be calling him the wallabee king.